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A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Take time out of your busy day and laugh a little.

Read these funny quotes to start your day, end you day, or simply get you through the day.

Share your favorite sayings with your friends and family. They deserve a little laughter too.

 

Humorous Quotes to Get You Through the Day

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. ~ George Carlin

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. ~ George Carlin

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ~ Linda Grayson

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ~ Linda Grayson

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~ Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~ Joan Rivers

The only thing that matters in the end is your own survival. It’s what humans and cockroaches are best at. ~ Susan Ee

The only thing that matters in the end is your own survival. It’s what humans and cockroaches are best at. ~ Susan Ee

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. ~ J. Paul Getty

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. ~ J. Paul Getty

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort. ~ Helen Gurley Brown

Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort. ~ Helen Gurley Brown

My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys. ~ Jim Gaffigan

My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys. ~ Jim Gaffigan

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then, I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then, I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. ~ Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. ~ Anonymous

We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile…Then, we’ll be new friends! ~ Anonymous

We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile…Then, we’ll be new friends! ~ Anonymous

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)…but still my own. ~ Si Robertson

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)…but still my own. ~ Si Robertson

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~ Robin Williams (as Mork, Mork & Mindy)

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~ Robin Williams (as Mork, Mork & Mindy)

...when the choice was hang or wed, what was neck-loving man to do? ~ Carol Arens

…when the choice was hang or wed, what was neck-loving man to do? ~ Carol Arens

True friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together. ~ Emilie Saint-Genis

True friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together. ~ Emilie Saint-Genis

A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin

True friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together. ~ Emilie Saint-Genis  A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin

I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing. ~ Jim Gaffigan

I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Dad makes the decisions ~ and Mum tells him if he’s right. ~ Anonymous

Dad makes the decisions ~ and Mum tells him if he’s right. ~ Anonymous

I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war. ~ George W. Bush

I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war. ~ George W. Bush

Just the other day I said to Fang, “Don’t you think we’ve got a storybook romance?” and he said, “Yes, and every page is ripped.” ~ Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, “Don’t you think we’ve got a storybook romance?” and he said, “Yes, and every page is ripped.” ~ Phyllis Diller

The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?” ~ Mike Vanatta

The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?” ~ Mike Vanatta

Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof. ~ Harry Haenigsen

Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof. ~ Harry Haenigsen

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up. ~ Jimmy Fallon

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. ~ Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. ~ Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. ~ Will Ferrell

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. ~ Will Ferrell

Facebook: What’s on your mind? Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go? ~ Will Ferrell

Facebook: What’s on your mind? Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go? ~ Will Ferrell

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Charles M. Schulz

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Charles M. Schulz

I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. ~ Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. ~ Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. ~ Anonymous

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. ~ Anonymous

Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. ~ Anonymous

Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. ~ Anonymous

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. ~ Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. ~ Groucho Marx

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ~ Golda Meir

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ~ Golda Meir

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. ~ Oscar Wilde

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. ~ Oscar Wilde

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ~ Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ~ Phyllis Diller

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~ Rita Mae Brown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~ Rita Mae Brown

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ~ Robert Bloch

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ~ Robert Bloch

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. ~ Robert Frost

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. ~ Robert Frost

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. ~ Edward de Bono

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. ~ Edward de Bono

If you copy from one book, that’s plagiarism; if you copy from many books, that’s research. ~ Wallace Notestein

If you copy from one book, that’s plagiarism; if you copy from many books, that’s research. ~ Wallace Notestein

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Tom Lehrer

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Tom Lehrer

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. ~ Anonymous

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. ~ Anonymous

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? ~ Lily Tomlin

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? ~ Lily Tomlin

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. ~ Joan Crawford

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. ~ Joan Crawford

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. ~ Ann Landers

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. ~ Ann Landers

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. ~ Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. ~ Anonymous

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. ~ Jarod Kintz

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. ~ Jarod Kintz

Of every ten persons who talk about you, nine will say something bad, and the tenth will say something good in a bad way. ~ Antoine de Rivarol

Of every ten persons who talk about you, nine will say something bad, and the tenth will say something good in a bad way. ~ Antoine de Rivarol

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~ Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~ Phyllis Diller

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. ~ Franklin Jones

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. ~ Franklin Jones

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. ~ Reba McEntire

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. ~ Reba McEntire

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. ~ Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. ~ Anonymous

The best things in life are free. The second best things are very, very expensive. ~ Coco Chanel

The best things in life are free. The second best things are very, very expensive. ~ Coco Chanel

I like hearing myself talk…and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. ~ Oscar Wilde (The Remarkable Rocket)

I like hearing myself talk…and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. ~ Oscar Wilde (The Remarkable Rocket)

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~ George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~ George Carlin

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. ~ Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. ~ Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. ~ George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. ~ George Carlin

A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. ~ Mae West

A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. ~ Mae West

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. ~ Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. ~ Rita Rudner

 

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