Wisdom in Humor: 59 Humorous Sayings to Guide You Into the New Year

 

Happy New Year!

To usher in the new year, I’ve compiled a list of quotes that make you go hmmmm. First, you’ll laugh. Then, you’ll ponder. Then, you’ll probably laugh again.

I wish you joy, love, and laughter in the new year.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ~ Steven Wright

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. ~ Elbert Hubbard

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. ~ Jimmy Carter

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. ~ Bill Murray

I think, from all I can learn, that heaven has the better climate, but hell has the better company. ~ Benjamin Wade

Never miss a good chance to shut up. ~ Will Rogers

Just because you’re doing something wrong, doing it more intensely isn’t going to help. ~ Vince Lombardi

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. ~ Pablo Picasso

All generalizations are false, including this one. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. ~ Anonymous

Every day you guys look worse and worse. And today you played like tomorrow. ~ John Mariucci

Don’t yell at your kids. Instead, lean in real close and whisper. It’s much scarier. ~ Anonymous

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. ~ Mark Twain 

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ~ Henry Kissinger

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ~ George Carlin

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? ~ Anonymous

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. ~ Milton Berle

They say love is more important than money...have you tried paying your bills with a hug? ~ Dave Chappelle

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. ~ Stanley Randall

In one thing we are all alike – in thinking we are different. ~ Will R. Manier, Jr. 

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring…How to Build a Boat. ~ Steven Wright

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, you should follow that. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. ~ Stephen Colbert

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? ~ attributed to George Carlin

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ~ Groucho Marx

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. ~ Arthur McAuliff

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. ~ Kin Hubbard

I’m not afraid of dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ~ Buddy Hackett

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. ~ Anonymous 

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. ~ George Carlin

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. ~ Oscar Levant

Old men delight in giving good advice as a consolation for the fact that they can no longer set bad examples. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

You might as well laugh at yourself once in a while – everyone else does. ~ Anonymous

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. ~ Stephen Colbert

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ~ George Bernard Shaw

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. ~ Groucho Marx

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~ Isaac Asimov

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ~ Mark Twain

I love being married, I do. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~ Rita Rudner

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are. ~ Will Ferrell

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love. ~ Robert Fulghum

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. ~ Charles Wadsworth

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He doesn’t expect to be paid back. ~ Anonymous

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. ~ Bob Hope

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ~ Milton Berle

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. ~ Oscar Levant

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The piña and the colada. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong. ~ Robin Williams

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ~ George Bernard Shaw

It’s just a job. Grass grows. Birds fly. Waves pound the sand. I beat people up. ~ Muhammad Ali

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~ George Burns

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. ~ Oscar Wilde

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ~ Anonymous

The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese. ~ Jeremy Paxman

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing. ~ Mark Twain

 

Live. Laugh. Love. Enjoy these funny quotes and sayings. Share them with your friends.

 

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